This week we are writing about ice cream. We got to eat vanilla ice cream and then we had to write about it. First we did a draft just to get feed back from our buddy. Then we completed our writing by doing the final copy. I am proud of my work and I know that I have done a great job.
DRAFT
The pastel green cream with the rainbow sweets touched the tip of my tongue I felt more alive than I ever have before. It felt as if my taste buds were dancing on top of my tongue. As the cold, lumpy mixture was going down my throat it sent shivers down my spine. When I finished the cup I wanted to march down to the dairy and by 25 more tub of goody-goody gumdrops ice cream. Even though I am in class I still am having a great time.
FEED BACK
Your sentence is great but always put more information about what was the ice felt when Mr Mitchell open the ice cream lid.
FINAL COPY
Mr Mitchell opened the lid And I could smell the minty sweet ice cream from hear. The pastel green cream with the rainbow sweets touched the tip of my tongue I felt way more alive than I ever have before. It felt as if my taste buds were dancing on top of my tongue. As the cold, lumpy mixture was going down my throat it sent shivers down my spine. When I finished the cup I wanted to march down to the dairy and by 25 more tub of goody-goody gumdrops ice cream. Even though I am in class I still am having the time of my life. I loved the minty flavoured ice mixture and the bumpy, sugar coated lollies in the middle. I LOVE IT!
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