This week we ate some goody-goody gum drops ice cream and just like the other one it was amazing. We write out our draft and asked our buddy to give us some feed back. Then we did our final copy and cheeked our work. I am ultimately proud of what I have write right here. hope you enjoy.
DRAFT
The pastel green cream with the rainbow sweets touched the tip of my tongue I felt more alive than I ever have before. It felt as if my taste buds were dancing on top of my tongue. As the cold, lumpy mixture was going down my throat it sent shivers down my spine. When I finished the cup I wanted to march down to the dairy and by 25 more tub of goody-goody gumdrops ice cream. Even though I am in class I still am having a great time.
FEED BACK
Your sentence is great but always put more information about what was the ice felt when Mr Mitchell open the ice cream lid.
FINAL COPY
Mr Mitchell opened the lid And I could smell the minty sweet ice cream from hear. The pastel green cream with the rainbow sweets touched the tip of my tongue I felt way more alive than I ever have before. It felt as if my taste buds were dancing on top of my tongue. As the cold, lumpy mixture was going down my throat it sent shivers down my spine. When I finished the cup I wanted to march down to the dairy and by 25 more tub of goody-goody gumdrops ice cream. Even though I am in class I still am having the time of my life. I loved the minty flavoured ice mixture and the bumpy, sugar coated lollies in the middle. I LOVE IT!
Hi Emily. This is really good. I liked how you have put your feedback and your final in there as well as just your draft. What would be your favourite icecream and why? Anyway well done and keep it up :)
ReplyDelete